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Bad Fish
09 November 2011 @ 09:56 pm
I've been home alone with two very sick screaming children since 8 AM this morning....

My husband FINALLY comes home and says "you look tired." Thanks honey...that's the compliment I was wanting to hear.

I've read Mr. brown Can Moo Can You? at least 50 times today. At least being home I can read more often....

DEAR GOD, I need a vacation... or my other girls back because this isn't working how I thought

I wrote a poem for the first time in probably a year and a half. It felt good, It felt therapeutic!

I came into this knowing
But you don't have to rub it in
It's not as you promised
How do you lie to your best friend?
Keep building me up higher
To take some low blows
This is what I wanted
What you expected? Who knows?
When I say love I feel it
It reflects in the eyes of others
I mean what I say
You use sunglasses as covers
But you can't hide your actions
Or hide from what you've done
I said the words, I meant them
It's pain
it's real
It's fun.

"I've been downnnnn sooo longgggggggg that the end must be drawing near...." ~Jewel

And for the first time in like 4 years, I want a fucking cigarette.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Jewel
Bad Fish
30 April 2010 @ 12:31 am
No one should have to go to bed this sad every night. It's just awful.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Bad Fish
25 April 2010 @ 12:17 pm

Wow, you know I almost forgot this place existed, looking back...I'm glad i remembered.

I really don't remember who's on here (or who still actually reads this) but it is designed to be a journal so I suppose writing in it will make me feel a little bit better. It's always very eye opening to see how much I've changed (or haven't for that matter) and what could possibly come next. I've been writing in this since high school Needless to say so much in every aspect has changed since those days ( THANK THE HIGHER POWERS THAT BE!)

I watched some slow movie tonight, decent but not too much action. It wasn't until the last couple lines of the movie did I have to begin thinking again. At the end the man said "there are 2 types of people; Those whom indulge in pleasure and those that live in pain. The pleasure helps people forget...the pain makes you hope- hope that it can't get any worse than this." At first I was like WTF? This is some stupid shit here! Then, my mind faded away from the silly drama I had just watched and was settling back in on my life...

A very torn place to be.  When I've stayed away from LJ for this long I am always reminded where I came from.  Last I wrote I had left Ella's "father," started a new job,  and created a new life for myself. Was that the right choice? Absofuckingltely! Have I made horrible mistakes after that? same answer.  Now while I don't have the time nor the emotional energy to write about all (or even the highlights) of what has happened since, I will talk about now.

Now I am expecting again. Now I hold the same job (barely). Now I am in a love deeper than anything I've ever known. Now I kick myself on a secondly basis over 2 very stupid, ignorant, selfish decision's I've made. 

Ella is beautiful. She just made 2 in January and talks so much- loves so much. She holds the keys to my existence. True love is in the eyes of your children. And the 2 stupid choices I've made have caused me to (temporarily) lose her. It's like losing your heart.  It's worse than a broken heart because you don't have two half pieces, you have a whole piece- but you don't HAVE IT AT ALL! The mistakes I made were NOT that  irreversible , but it's just what Matt needed to put fuel on his fire of hate for me. Not a moment passes when I'm away from her that is easy, or possible. I only keep going because I hope I will get her back- soon. I worry more about her mental state than I even care about my very breathe...Two whole years she was my everything. From sunrise to sunrise...We were all each other had...Now my beating heart has been ripped from my chest and placed into the hands of the first person who tried to destroy it.  I live a nightmare every moment I'm awake but often dream of Ella when I sleep. I did NOTHING to endanger Ella or harm her in anyway. I'm lots of things but I've never been a bad mother.

In terms of being torn, I have another wonderful child inside me...growing in kicking me. Ella is excited to be a big "hister" (she's not too good with her s's) I'm delighted to be a mother again. Babies are such a beautiful thing. I'm with a man who will actually be a father, a great one! It's awesome to think that some men actually are willing to be there for their children...I don't believe I've ever loved a man like that. I've surely never had a man like that love me.  When we had Ella, his daughter, myself, and Johnny, ever moment spent together was like a fairytale. Truly like the movies! Sitting around the kitchen table laughing. Swimming in our pond, picking veggies out our garden. Now even the brightest days seem so dark (at least for me). I need my sunshine. I need it or I fear I won't be half the mother I am supposed to be to the very deserving baby inside. I fear it so.

My life was almost there- right where I needed it to be, then I hit rock bottom...again and again.

So I am an indulger of pain, for the sake of hope....hoping it cant get ANY worse than this...but it may.

In the beautiful words of The Shawshank Redemption,

"Hope is a great thing, maybe the best of things."

All I really hope for now is my heart.
Current Location: Covington, LA
Current Mood: heartless
Current Music: fan spinning
Bad Fish
31 July 2008 @ 01:32 am
lips touch- they collide like universes. It is somewhat unbelievable.

God I miss him. I miss...

I hope my friends are well. We need to get together for drinks and such soon!
Current Location: somewhere in LA
Current Mood: ditzyditzy
Bad Fish
20 March 2008 @ 01:45 pm
You will not know true love until you hold something you made all on your own.

your baby.

It's the greatest thing in the whole wide world. I can't wait to watch her grow up.
Current Location: work
Current Mood: artisticartistic
Bad Fish
09 January 2008 @ 02:00 pm
to go...I'm nervous and excited and freaked out all at the same time!

I can't wait to put my NORMAL clothes on...even though it will take a couple months. I took out all my clothes and admired them!

I got my 1st stretch marks, so sad...she better be cute :p
Current Location: work
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: TV
Bad Fish
16 November 2007 @ 02:46 pm



I am so happy! :)

Current Location: work
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: silence
Bad Fish
25 October 2007 @ 12:14 pm

I wonder if I will miss my life as a young party girl....

or be happy it's over....

Current Location: work
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: john mayer
Bad Fish
11 September 2007 @ 12:29 pm
I'm over half way there, thank heavens! Still can't deciede on any names....

any ideas? 
Current Mood: calmcalm
Bad Fish
31 August 2007 @ 03:43 pm



Current Mood: happyhappy